Six Worst Things About Being Home With The Flu (Besides Having The Flu)

Can’t spell f-l-u without f-u

By Doug Lazy on November 2, 2017
(Photo by Christopher Furlong/Getty Images)

Despite getting my vaccination only days before, I became one of the unlucky millions to get run over by a train called The Flu earlier this week. And while I am still not 100%–if your car sounded like my voice you’d take it to a mechanic–I am at least grateful to be back at work because being home, sick, sucks. And not just because you’re sick. Here now, my top six worst things about being home with the flu.

6) The sleeping. Yes, I admit there are times when I’m busy I daydream about getting sick for a couple days so I can catch up on sleep but you know what..? That’s not how it works. Flu sleep is not regular sleep. It’s a restless, achy, fever-dreamy impersonation of sleep that’s about as restorative as curling up for a snooze in whale’s blowhole–which was one of my fever dreams, by the way.

5) Food. When you have the flu, absolutely nothing is appealing. You could set a perfectly grilled steak down in front of me and if I’ve got the flu, it might as well be a plate of dog yak. And, like, not name-brand dog yak, either. Off-brand, which I think we can all agree is the worst kind of dog yak.

4) Stairs. The next house we get will be single story and for one reason only: if and when I get the flu again, I do not want to have ascend another set of stairs, ever. It’s like being at the base of Mt Everest and you have to go up but you’ve done no training and instead of boots, you’re wearing 100 pound ankle weights, and swim fins.

3) Everything starts looking like it has your flu germs on it. Your bed sheets, your couch cushions, your throw pillows, your coffee table, your kitchen counters, your pets. You go from King of the Castle to Patient Zero in less time than it takes to open a box of Mucinex.

2) TV. Have you ever really watched daytime TV? It’s horrific. Soap operas…game shows…cable news. And the only businesses that advertise are lawyers who want to help you hit it big with that wrongful injury claim….so you can stay home….and watch daytime TV on, apparently, a more expensive set. Tip: don’t make that toll-free call and do anything you can to get better and go back to work.

1) My wife. Now, I don’t know how it is with your spouse but my wife was raised to be tough: country people, she and her three brothers ate mostly food that either their parents grew or hunted down, and whining was not allowed. Heck, one time, one of her brothers dislocated the other’s shoulder in a fight and it took him and the third brother half the night to pop it back into place so mom and dad wouldn’t come home and find out what happened. So, a husband laid up with a 104 degree fever for a couple days..? The first day being sick she literally pushed me with her foot while I was sleeping on the couch to make sure I was alive. I groaned…so she went to the gym. Thanks honey. Don’t worry about helping me up the stairs. I got it, babe.




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